I Dress for Me

I have had the privilege of meeting some truly amazing people who have had profound impacts on my life. One of these people was a wonderful woman in France. When I arrived in France, to live there for two years, I was very shy and withdrawn. This was reflected in the way I dressed and held myself. I wore the uniform of America -- jeans, sneakers, and sweatshirts. I remember being awed by the way the French women looked. They always looked elegant, or cool, or edgy, or whatever look they were going for. They were always going for a look, and it was never the American look!

I didn't think that I could do any other look. I didn't know how. I didn't want to do it. I was comfortable and anyway, why should I. I was who I was, wasn't I? Goddamit, I was happy with the way I looked, wasn't I? I was shy and therefore comfortable being invisible, wasn't I?

For me it went deeper than that. I was having marital problems and other problems and the mixture resulted in a person that was less-than-me. I didn't like my body and I didn't like myself. I didn't find myself sexy, so once again I didn't like myself. I thought the marital issues were "all about me" so once again it was all my fault. Basically, the self-loathing on the inside was reflected on the outside. I was hiding all the stuff that I knew I could be. It was being overlooked by me and by others. Yet, juxtaposed against this self-loathing was a knowledge of other -- of a passionate, life-seeking, loving, curious person dying to break out. Symbolically, I was hiding under the uniform.

Then in stepped my french friend who saw this struggle. One day she looked at me and said, "Is there a woman in there, under those sweatshirts?" At which point I thought deeply. I had hidden the woman in me in some chasm. I had forgotten that there was a passionate woman and had forgotten how to cross the chasm in order to bring her out. So my lovely, kindhearted, stunning french friend said, "We are going to bring the woman on the inside, to the outside." And so we did. We started with the clothes. And the journey has contined bringing the other parts of me to the surface.

To this day I dress for me and as a salute to my french ami. I am more comfortable with my body and with being a woman. I dress because I feel edgy, or I feel sexy, or because I feel businessy, or because I feel comfy. Whatever the reason, I do it for me, not for what I believe it will get me.