Not a Master of Release

How do you say goodbye? A year ago today my ex-husband asked for a divorce. The week leading up to today has been filled with emotions. I believe that the universe only sends you things you are prepared to receive. The universe knows when you have the skills to deal with something and then sends it your way. The question is do you have the courage to take on the challenge with the new skills.

This week has been a pensive one. Two things happened. The first one happened when I found a remote for a fan that belonged to my old house. I loved that house. I had remodeled the kitchen to one that was close to my dreams. It had great light. It was spacious. When my ex-husband asked for a divorce, the house and I went through a lot. The house felt my rage, my pains, my abandonments, my joys, my laughter, my tears, my strengths, my weaknesses. I found my voice there. There was also enough space for my shoes!!

A year later I was driving into the old neighborhood, and my heart caught in my throat. The tears started to fall. My hands automatically steered the corners. I sobbed and sobbed. I could barely leave the car to put the remote in the letter box. Seeing other cars that were not mine in the driveway was too much. I sat there for a little bit and then moved off. I phoned a friend. She has a wonderful shoulder and laugh.

I have been in my new house for over a month and I just now find the remote. Why is that? What do I need to see? To experience? To learn?

A few days after seeing my old house I received a text from my ex-husband. He had just returned from his yearly pilgrimage to Canada. In a synchronous way this is exactly what happened last year. On his last pilgrimage he felt free and determined that it was me that was the issue. Hence the divorce. His text indicated that he had returned and that there were some papers to sign. More papers??!!

We decide to meet but in the meantime I get it into my mind that I want to get out of town for the weekend. I was not sure where I wanted to go -- Keswick in West Virginia, Washington, DC; Charleston, SC. I just know that I needed to drive somewhere. It had been a tough week and I was in love with the thought of traveling somewhere. I am such a spontaneous person, maybe I have gypsy in me. And I wanted to share this spontaneity, this joie de vie with someone. However, the universe had other ideas.

I met my ex-husband and I signed the papers. I asked him about his trip and his family. I told him about my upsetting trip to the old house. And then I was blown away. He told me that on the way back he drove through West Virginia and he started to think about all the good times we'd had at Keswick. And he started to cry. Now in our 14yrs of marriage this guy never showed any emotion. He never shed a tear. Holy crap!!!

And it was then that I felt such incredible disbelief and numbness. Why does it take this for him to show what I always asked him to show? I disconnect from my body, a valkyrie from a different realm wanting to do battle. I realized then that I am no master of release. I have been hiding my heart. I have been so desparate to let go, I have masked letting go. In fact it has been tearing me apart. It's not that I want to hold on, because that is not good either. Some days I feel angry, sad, and numb. The numbness has been masking my feelings. I want to say goodbye to that. I want to hold what we had in my heart and say goodbye. I want to be. I want to feel again. I want to feel the realness again. I don't want the numbness to control me. I want to reconnect. The universe is very smart. For now, with the skills that I have, this is what I have learnt. I may not be ready tomorrow to feel the realness, but the numbness has been pierced. Now, when I say that I am "letting go" it will sound less hollow in my ears.

P.S. I have decided not to leave town. I am content to stay rather than run away. OK, my friends have that plane with a parachute, and we are going to fly down to Charleston in a week or two. Whoo hoo. Drive or fly? Do I need to say more...