It's almost been a year since my marriage ended. A year! It's hard to believe. So much has happened to me. I went to hell and back. The way to hell is well grooved for me. The last 4 or 5 months have been better and I have met some great people. But still I travel to hell. U
More recently I have managed to turn hell into a creative soul space, but at times like now, it is an old pattern of destructiveness. What is different about now? Usually I am confident, and happy, but now "cruella" (read previous post) gets her friggin' claws into me and the judgmental, negative thoughts never stop. I recently went on a retreat and that's when they began. Ironic isn't it. I go to a retreat to feel good and I end up a basket case. What began were the past negative thoughts in abundance -- I wasn't good enough, I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't nice like them, I wasn't open like them, I wasn't.... and the list went on and on. Cruella and her hordes were dining. The damage was done. And the insecurities of the past now loom BIG in my mind.
And to add salt to the wound, in my insecure, pity party, it seems as though my friends have been telling me that I need to be on my own, I shouldn't be dating, I should be getting my head right, I am doing this and that wrong. Months of this. I have been arguing with them that I am doing what I feel I need to do to heal. It may look wrong from their perspective and yes I may cry and get hurt but I am not going to cocoon myself from emotions or life. Am I going to look back and say they are right? I can't say right now.
In this time of feeling insecure I have become turned around. I have made some emotional mistakes that I regret. So you know what?
I have signed up to do a Triathlon. Me who can't climb 5 flights of stairs without calling for an oxygen mask. Me who can't run 500 yards without getting a stitch in their side. Me who splashes in the water and thinks that aqua aerobics (ok I can swim 250 metres without drowning). Me who hasn't been on a bike since 1996 and then I looked like Dorothy. I have until October to train. I have never been athletic. I look athletic, but looks can be deceiving. The one thing I know is that a consistent workout will boost my mood. I am going to take care of my body. I have been taking care of my mind and my soul. Now I need to mend my heart and my body.
Get the Epsom salts ready!!!
2 comments:
YOU ROCK! What an amazing thing for you to do - first step is always the hardest. Not to put anymore pressure (yeah, right), I've told Cerina and Mia about your challenge...inspiration...role model. Some more characteristics you can describe yourself...not just to my kids, but to me.
Did I mention, YOU ROCK!!!
I'm sorry you have to go thru this and I can't imagine what it is like for you. Your Rainbow is overdue ... if you ever need someone's hand to hold as you walk thru this storm, I am within reach.
Post a Comment