This memorial weekend was mainly spent packing up my house. So many emotions are involved in packing a house. I have done it many times. And it is never easy no matter the reason. This time it is because of a divorce. My first divorce I just walked out with my clothes and left him the house and everything. Money and things are not important to me. Never have been, never will be. This time my ex and I split everything 50/50. I swear after packing for hours and hours and hours I wish I just walked out. I started the packing saga knowing that at one point I was going to reach saturation and my perkiness would turn into "when the f*** is this going to end?" I was right. I lasted about a day and a half before I reached that point.
The monotony of packing gives someone like me lots of time think. Oh boy.... That means trouble. So what did I think about? Well packing off course!! How does packing correlate to my life and current situation? Hmmmm. When my ex and I first separated, I was crushed. It doesn't matter that it was the best thing, the act of severing a dream is painful.
When he had decided to move out, I remember going through the act of sifting through the photos with him. I am one of those people who believe that memories should not be rewritten but should be remembered in the context in which they were experienced. When my ex refused to take some of the photos I was upset but that was his choice. And loss. I don't believe in staying in the past; if you do you'll miss the present and the future. But not to acknowledge the past, well it is a choice. There is no judgement. OK, maybe a little!!
It was a difficult few hours as we went through the house, deciding who got what. I shed many a tear as my heart was tearing into pieces. I kept thinking "How can he be so calm?" but then again, he never did show emotion that I could read.
Fast forward 6 months to me packing up because our house finally sold in this soft market. My ex was over packing up his last stuff. Feelings are so different. No tears, no tearing of the heart. We laughed, we joked. How can feelings be so fickle? After 14yrs of marriage? Yes, I have done lots of work dealing with the separation. It was easy being in his presence. That is the word. Easy. There was nothing there. There was no anger. There was nothing.
Being in his presence I saw his "stuff." I saw his anger, his impatience. I felt nothing but compassion. And who knows, from his point of view I still have mine. I felt different. We acted differently together. So I have to believe that something has shifted. The "stuff" is packed.
I don't believe that I have packed the past. It is still there. It is just put aside in a special place in my heart of understanding. Why do we have to let go? What use is that? As I navigate around the packed boxes I am happy.
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